Boundaries.

Opinion: It’s usually people who struggle a lot with saying no and setting boundaries for themselves, talk about boundaries a lot.

So now you know why I’m writing this piece. :p

While I was in college, I used to take the city bus to college on Mondays. And since the bus stop is right next to the railway station, more often than not, I keep finding people walking over to me to ask which bus they should be taking to reach a destination. And more often than not, I wouldn’t have an answer to their question either as I myself am not great with locations. :p

But that’s not the point.

Even in school, college, or at my workplace, I don’t come across as someone who’s rigid and tough to talk to. It’s easier to approach and talk to me. Which is great! I wouldn’t change a thing about this. No complaints at all. It’s a nice feeling to have when I know that someone feels safe around me.

But what if they feel too safe?

In the same bus stop where I wait for my bus to college. A man approached me once and tells me that he lost his wallet and he needed money to go back to Thalaserry, a town in Kerela. Which happened to be my hometown as well. And he asked if he could borrow 120 rupees.

I said sure, here you go, handed over 120rs to him.

Later when I came back home and told this at home. My Parents and my sister jumped at me and said not to not to do it again as he must’ve been a drunkard who just wanted money for his brandy for the day.

And it kinda sucked. I was happy when I gave him the money. Now I feel like I’ve been cheated.

In the next couple of years, at least 3 more people would’ve come to me and asked me the exact same thing. “That I lost my wallet and I need money to go back home.”

Now I know this is a scam, I say no immediately. Sometimes even rudely. But here’s what I’m wondering. Why did they target me?

It’s not like I’m the only person at the bus stop, there were plenty others. Was I too approachable? too safe? Did they think that I could mess around with this guy and get away with it?

So what was it about me? Is it the way I look? the way I dress? Is it my age? the way I carry myself? It might be something, right?

Which got me thinking.

About my personal boundaries, moral boundaries, physical and geographical boundaries.

And all the conflicts that arise around the world. At past and at present. Where they feel they could do something and not face the consequences.

Was India too warm and too welcoming to the British? That they sensed a colonizing opportunity?

I can colonize and get away with it.

Is that how wars are still happening in the world? Especially towards the poor and developing countries?

I can start a war and get away with it.

Or is that how women and children are being mistreated?

I can slap my wife or beat a child and get away with it.

In the movie Darlings, starring Alia Bhatt, there’s a scene where a mother takes her daughter to the police as she’s being beaten up by her husband. She cries and rants and asks the police, why do men beat up women? The police reply saying “Because Women let them.”

Now, coming back to my lighter problems.

Am I subconsciously signaling to people around me that they can say or do certain things to me and get away with it? And do I have to consciously try to put on a guard to protect myself?

But that’s too much work, isn’t it? Hence I guess the healthiest approach is to speak up whenever someone oversteps a boundary.

Say no. Say you’re not comfortable. Say you’re not okay.

Because not everyone comes from a bad space either. And sometimes if you’re too easily offended, then it might be your insecurity too. Which you might have to address sooner or later.

You can always be polite. You can’t go wrong with that, can you? Probably what Will Smith should’ve done rather than slapping Chris Rock on stage because again, he could get away with it.

He can’t slap Ricky Gervais and get away with that, can he?

It’s when you don’t speak or communicate, you keep letting in all the behaviors that you’re not okay with and it piles up, gets toxic and you become hateful. That’s the hidden price of you not speaking up. Of being okay with shitty behavior towards you.

Well, I’ve come a long way since my college days waiting for my bus, but I still haven’t figured out boundaries for myself. Easier said than done, I guess.

And on that note, thank you for reading.

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